I met him/her
at a squaredance
at a truck stop
at a dress ball
at a rehab
by a trailer
eatin' breakfast
eatin' dinner
eatin' twinkies
fillin' creampuffs
in a gay bar
in a jail cell
in a nightmare
in a rehab
in an alley
in a treehouse
in Sheboygan
in the Stone Age
incognito
on probation
on the highway
on the Stones tour
on vacation
outside Dallas
outside Fresno
outside Teaneck
outside Cleveland
outside Dallas
all hunched over
at McDonald's
dead all over
eatin' breakfast
eatin' dinner
eatin' Twinkies
in a gay bar
in September
in the red zone
mugging tourists
named "Begonia"
outside Cleveland
outside Fresno
up near Bangor
playin' congas
playin' French Horn
playin' guitar
playin' nose-flute
poppin' uppers
ridin' shotgun
selling Mopeds
smelling funny
sort of pregnant
stoned on oatmeal
with Merv Griffin
wrestlin' gators
whistling "Dixie"
...
I can still recall
that frilly dress
that afro wig
that burlap bra
that cheap perfume
that creepy smile
that extra-large
that little bone
that plastic nose
that purple dress
the boxer shorts
the cardboard box
the combat boots
the coonskin hat
the fright mask that
the hearing aid
the neon sign
the smelly cream
the Stassin pin
the stolen goods
the stupid hat
those training pants
he/she wore.
He/She was
sobbin' at the toll booth
breakin' out with acne
barfing last night's vodka
bouncin' off the guardrail
breakin' out with Acne
chewin' on a hangnail
chewin' on a t-bone
cookin' fried zucchini
crawlin' through the prairie
crawlin' through the prairie
crashin' through the guardrail
chewin' on a hangnail
dancin' with the preacher
drinkin' Dr. Pepper
doin' homework
drownin' in the quicksand
entertaining tourists
goin' through a sex-change
goin' with a wrestler
hot-wiring my pickup
laughin' like a banshee
loaded down with Twinkies
munchin' jalapenos
oiling her shotgun
passed out in the men's room
pregnant with the triplets
scratchin' like a monkey
screaming at a waiter
sellin' plastic dishware
shoplifting tomatoes
sketchin' out her memoirs
slurpin' up linguini
smellin' kind of funny
sortin' out some roadkill
stuttering like crazy
swearin' like a trooper
talkin' in Swahili
watchin' Martha Stewart
weighted down with Twinkies
by the off-ramp
almost naked
as a side dish
but I loved her
for the homeboys
in A minor
in her muu-muu
in the bathtub
in the men's room
in the twilight
like an old friend
like an old pro
near Poughkeepsie
on her elbows
snoring gently
under a table
very quickly
very slowly
when she shot me
with a wetback
with her cobra
with a Twinkie
with Led Zeppelin
with Miss Piggy
with some sailors
with 3 Germans
without shoes on
and I knew
no guy would ever love her more
her momma ran a liquor store
I couldn't come around no more
I couldn't stand her canker sore
I'd caught my pecker in the door
I'd have to bribe the judge some more
I'd have to scrape her off the floor
I'd never rate her more than "4"
I had a zero chance to score
it was a raven - nothing more
she'd bought her dentures in a store
she'd need some ointment for that sore
she'd never be ZaZa Gabor
she'd never make it as a whore
she weren't contagious anymore
that I would upchuck on the floor
that she was rotten to the core
that she would be a crashing bore
that she would be an easy score
that she would never pass MAT 060
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore
the crowd would give a mighty roar
we really lost the last World War
what strong deodorants were for
.
I knew deep down
A Klingon said
Her counselor said
Her daddy said
Her momma knew
Her parrot said
Her rabbi said
I almost said
I burped and said
I promised her
I shrieked in pain,
I told her shrink
It soon was clear
My friends all said
My hamster thought
My Pooh bear said
She asked me if
The judge declared
The painters knew
The blood test showed
I'd
be with her
be a geek
be on pills
beg for change
change my sex
dress in drag
go without
hate her dog
have that rash
live off her
masturbate
pick my nose
play "Go Fish"
punch her out
roll cigars
salivate
stay a dwarf
stay at home
stay with her
swear off booze
take out trash
walk the streets
warp her mind
forever;
He/She said to me
"our love will never die"
"go stick it in your eye"
her Basset hound was shy
her brother's name was Hy
her herpes was a lie
man wasn't meant to fly
she'd cut off ol' one-eye
she'd have a Swiss on rye
she couldn't stand my tie
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"
she loved my one blue eye
she really liked my tie
she used to be a guy
she wanted some more pie
that birthdays made her cry
that Lucy's in the sky
that Nixon didn't lie
that Rolaids got her high
that we'd always remember
that whipped cream gets her high
the pasta was too dry
"there is no other guy"
"would you please close your fly"
"your thumb is in my eye"
.
But who'd have thought he'd/she'd
run off
black out
blast off
bobsled
boogie
break jail
change sex
drop dead
freak out
go north
get nude
graduate
grovel
have kids
make it
sky dive
steal cars
turn green
wind up
write songs
yodel
in my pickup
at a gay bar
at her health club
eating breakfast
during rough sex
every Thursday
for a sex-change
for my gun-rack
for ten dollars
from GTCC
in a wetsuit
in her Maytag
in my Edsel
in Poughkeepsie
in the kitchen
on a surfboard
on "The Gong Show"
on her "Workmate"
with no clothes on
with a robot
with her cousins
with her daddy
with her dentist
with her guru
with my best dog
with my best friend
with the good hootch
while in labor
?
I never got the chance to say
And hire the Oak Ridge Boys to sing
And hire Minnie Pearl to sing
But that's the way the pygmies say
I guess I was too crocked to say
I pushed her off the bridge and waved
I popped her in the chops and yelled
I was laughing much too hard to say
I watched her melt away and sobbed
My momma said, "just tell the bitch
Now I can kiss my credit cards
She barfed, and with a stick scrawled out
She farted, and I had to say
She farted, and I knew it meant
She fell beneath the wheels and cried
She flipped a bird and smiled a sweet
She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
She packed up her guitar and said
She sealed me in the vault and smirked
She sent a hired thug to say
She smelled so bad, I had to say
She threw a moon at me and yelled
She told her fat friend Grace to say
The spraypaint on my Porsche spelled out
While the Mormon Tabernacle sang
You'd think at least that she'd have said
goodbye.